melle_chantilly: (Glossy Red Lips)

I have set up a Tumblr account dedicated to my photo experiments. I will post my self-portraits there, and most likely only there.

But be warned that there will be nudes as well. Nothing pornographic but if you think seeing my breasts or my pubes might be a problem for you, you really don't have to follow. I will tag nudes, if that helps.

To me a naked body is just a naked body. I'm not a modest person. I have done nude modelling in the past and there are quite a few nude photos of me floating about on the internet already. So if we don't know each other that well but you'd like to follow, please don't hesitate.

I will probably write quite a bit along with the photos about my feelings regarding the whole process, so if anyone suffers from similar issues, I don't know, maybe it could have value of sorts.

Anyway, here's
the link (no nudes yet :P)

melle_chantilly: (Glossy Red Lips)

Perfume

Wore La Myrrhe along with my favourite dress. :)

Music

Into Encephalon quite a bit at the moment, so I played The Transhuman Condition when waking up. Then Die Form – Rayon X once Math was up, The Present Moment – Loyal To A Fault, Displacer – Electric Dreams, Orphx – Circuitbreaking.

Photography

Math went to his parents for lunch to celebrate his birthday, and in his absence I took some self portraits. My skin is doing very well at the moment, so that was an extra incentive. It's amazing how I got the energy to set up the tripod, move stuff around (chairs, ladder, big ass fan) in the bedroom, when a few days ago it was absolutely impossible to me and just turning the knobs on the tripod exhausted me and got my head spinning.

I tried a couple of settings and ended up in front of the window. I took, I don't know, maybe 30 photos, trying different things with the light. Kirlian Camera was playing in the background. When I was done and looked at all the photos at once, I realized I found myself to look okay in all of them. It felt so incredible to realize. Of course, there's good days and bad days and my skin being smooth helps. But wow, it was amazing. I picked a couple and edited them right away: I tweaked the colours and level, but didn't do any cosmetic retouching. I don't see the point. I want to see myself and love myself, not a idealized image of myself. So here's me, pimples and dark circles included (I texted them to Math as soon as they were ready because I was quite happy with them):


More photos under the cut )

 

Watching

I watched Grimm and the episode with the man-eating woman wasn't as terrible and tropey as I was fearing. I'm still not super happy about what's happening in general but things need to develop. But Adalind's arc is gross.

More music

I listened to some Carpenter Brut, to the latest Neuroticfish, the Gothsicles, and then started putting a couple of mixtapes together. The next one should be a Hi-Energy one, with some electro stuff but also some MIA, Adam Freeland...

Reading

I think I read a bit? I was exhausted but wanted to stay awake until midnight to with Math a happy birthday. The next thing I remember is waking up in the dark, still propped up on my pillows. Oops. ><

melle_chantilly: (SplitFace Lutens)
I've been toying with the idea of taking self-portraits for a while now. For years actually, but it's been very present in my mind lately, since I have a lot of idle time. I have grown to accept my body as it is in the past couple years and I think exercise helped a lot, not necessarily because it changed my body but because I learned things about how it functions, how it was designed, and what good it can do when it isn't completely broken.

But, I still hate my face. I can't explain it, it's certainly a form of BDD. I have a hard time looking at my face in the mirror as a whole (I can do upclose and look at different parts). I know it would freak other people out too much, but if I can change my face magically I wouldn't hesitate one second. I used to not be able to leave my home without a full-face of goth makeup, even on weekends, even just to go get my mail. I considered my bare face as a canvas, something unfinished, not me. Makeup certainly helped me cope socially but didn't allow me to embrace or accept my face as a part of myself. I quit wearing makeup when I was in a better place in my life (it's possible that the onset of chronic illness participated in this too, since makeup rituals are a lot of efforts and I was left with very little energy on a daily basis). But my face felt and still feels foreign. And ugly.

I also have rosacea, which is getting quite annoying nowadays. It means that my skin is very sensitive, and that I always have pimples and red patches on my face. If I drink even one sip of alcohol my face will redden like a bad sunburn for hours on. If I drink alcohol on a regular basis (think one beer or even half a beer every night for a few days in a row), my skin will start to itch and get covered in small pustules that will take about a month to heal. Hot beverages are also an issue, so I need to limit my consumption of those, and spicy food will give me the sensation of a very bad sunburn on my face (it's kept me up many nights, so I have now forgone chili pepper altogether).

I'd really like to try to take photos to get to know myself. I don't know if it makes sense but I feel like I can't spend my whole life pretending like I don't have a face, or look like a monster all the time. Just take photos that mean something to me, experiment and see where it goes. Body parts, close up, portraits, clothed, nudes. Maybe to show, maybe not. I don't aim to make artistic or beautiful photos, technically, but just to show a person. I won't retouch anything, just play with tones and levels to make the photos prettier.

I have no knowledge of how to take self portraits, technically. So I tried a few things and realized a remote trigger would be the best. Math said he had one (!) but just a cheap one he bought to trigger videos. I tested it the other day, quickly, and it was very frustrating. Turns out you need to keep your arm at almost camera level for the laser to reach the camera captor and even then, it is super not responsive. Here's a photo I took then (I look pretty annoyed because the trigger only worked one time out of five on average, ugh):


If I look at it with my usual eyes, I can pick it apart and see a million things I hate about it (just my face, I don't care about the rest). I try hard to see it with an outside look and tell myself I look okay (and boiling inside lol). But it's so so tough. I actually took it about 10 days ago. I waited until I felt strong enough to post it online. I wanted to show it, to prove something to myself, to face my fears. So there. :)

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melle_chantilly

July 2016

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