melle_chantilly

I've been toying with the idea of taking self-portraits for a while now. For years actually, but it's been very present in my mind lately, since I have a lot of idle time. I have grown to accept my body as it is in the past couple years and I think exercise helped a lot, not necessarily because it changed my body but because I learned things about how it functions, how it was designed, and what good it can do when it isn't completely broken.

But, I still hate my face. I can't explain it, it's certainly a form of BDD. I have a hard time looking at my face in the mirror as a whole (I can do upclose and look at different parts). I know it would freak other people out too much, but if I can change my face magically I wouldn't hesitate one second. I used to not be able to leave my home without a full-face of goth makeup, even on weekends, even just to go get my mail. I considered my bare face as a canvas, something unfinished, not me. Makeup certainly helped me cope socially but didn't allow me to embrace or accept my face as a part of myself. I quit wearing makeup when I was in a better place in my life (it's possible that the onset of chronic illness participated in this too, since makeup rituals are a lot of efforts and I was left with very little energy on a daily basis). But my face felt and still feels foreign. And ugly.

I also have rosacea, which is getting quite annoying nowadays. It means that my skin is very sensitive, and that I always have pimples and red patches on my face. If I drink even one sip of alcohol my face will redden like a bad sunburn for hours on. If I drink alcohol on a regular basis (think one beer or even half a beer every night for a few days in a row), my skin will start to itch and get covered in small pustules that will take about a month to heal. Hot beverages are also an issue, so I need to limit my consumption of those, and spicy food will give me the sensation of a very bad sunburn on my face (it's kept me up many nights, so I have now forgone chili pepper altogether).

I'd really like to try to take photos to get to know myself. I don't know if it makes sense but I feel like I can't spend my whole life pretending like I don't have a face, or look like a monster all the time. Just take photos that mean something to me, experiment and see where it goes. Body parts, close up, portraits, clothed, nudes. Maybe to show, maybe not. I don't aim to make artistic or beautiful photos, technically, but just to show a person. I won't retouch anything, just play with tones and levels to make the photos prettier.

I have no knowledge of how to take self portraits, technically. So I tried a few things and realized a remote trigger would be the best. Math said he had one (!) but just a cheap one he bought to trigger videos. I tested it the other day, quickly, and it was very frustrating. Turns out you need to keep your arm at almost camera level for the laser to reach the camera captor and even then, it is super not responsive. Here's a photo I took then (I look pretty annoyed because the trigger only worked one time out of five on average, ugh):


If I look at it with my usual eyes, I can pick it apart and see a million things I hate about it (just my face, I don't care about the rest). I try hard to see it with an outside look and tell myself I look okay (and boiling inside lol). But it's so so tough. I actually took it about 10 days ago. I waited until I felt strong enough to post it online. I wanted to show it, to prove something to myself, to face my fears. So there. :)